❁Leilani ❁ 23 ❁ Writer ❁ Student ❁ Nurse ❁ Lover ❁ Hawaiian Strong ❁
And it’s finally beginning to settle,
Like a lapse
Like that momentary gap between dark clouds
As the storm is passing by.
The once chaotic abyss
One day shy of two months
And it’s finally beginning to settle.
Nesting itself there at the pit of my gut.
That not a soul in the world
Melina Lovelace’s work first appeared, at 19, on the bathroom stalls of the Knockers establishment. Upon writing her hundredth- or-so musing on the stall door, it occurred to her that her true passion was poetry. Lovelace quit her job as a stripper because she needed to make real money and she did. She shot her way into stardom, in the filming of her first porn: Of Rhymes and Rods. Generating enough wealth to pay her way through school, Melina stayed with the porn industry until 2013, when she successfully graduated from Colorado Sate with a B.A. in Creative Writing. From then on, she delved into the Poetic world. The public criticized Melina for her risqué work. But she, nonetheless, stayed optimistic and continued to publish many X-rated books of poetry, including her bestseller: ‘The Bathroom Stall Philosophies of a Stripper they called Malicious’. Regardless of how the public sees her, today at 34, Lovelace is praised by many eminent critics for her bold, unique and sensual poetic styles.
Poetry is provoking,
the way it stimulates your senses in a single session.
The way it’s seductive title lures you into a dim and vacant room,
with promises to pacify the natural, yet gnawing curiosity that incites you.
Past the point of no return.
you grasp it-test it- taste it
The words imbue your mouth with a bittersweet tang.
Those mentally meticulous details have consumed you
Each letter of each line, slides off your tongue
And vanishes into the air.
But you desperately cry for more;
succumbed to the rapture of its intimate conceptions.
You’ve allow it to have you,
to take you
and tear you until all the physical layers of you
cease to exist.
Until all that’s left is the emotional, logical embodiment
that is either climactic if you’re really into it
or meaningless if you’re not.
We live in a world where awful things happen to good people every day. That’s just the cold hard truth. Every single one of us here have gone through troubled times. We ALL have demons we’re trying to fight. But why should any of those things take away from you being happy? Or even being at peace with yourself?
I’m not saying we have to find the positives in every situation, because sometimes, there just are none! I just don’t see the point of going through life with such a contagiously negative mentality.
People think I’m emotionless; sometimes, even heartless. But if you knew me-if you knew every complex layer that makes up me- you’d know that I’m far from that. You’d know that, what it is, is that i feel too strongly and too passionately about everything.
When I’m angry, sad, or just simply hurt, I think the most coldest thoughts and feel the most malign emotions. My mind runs away with itself and pushes me over the edge. On the outside, i may appear as someone imperturbable by nature. When in truth, I am ensnared by a dreadful chaos. I reach the point of such internal hostility that i shut off emotionally. And i seek seclusion. I’m the type to walk away from arguments, if i can’t avoid them. Because I need the chance to sort through my feelings and thoughts before they become to destructive. Seclusion is my mantra. Most of the time, that’s all i need. And if you bug me anytime before then, you’re asking to see a wrathful side of me.
I can walk out of any situation, so forgiving and so understanding if you just give me my space and my time to think things through. I have to analyze the situation; break it down to see where you’re wrong and where I’m wrong and what we can do from there to fix it.
Sincerely, the many complex layers of me
I have this dysfunction, where if i don’t keep my mind constantly occupied, I’ll start over thinking the things that are bothering me and get depressed.The worst part is, is that KNOW when I’m doing it and yet, I can’t stop myself from doing it.
Maybe that’s why i overwhelm my schedule with hobbies and tasks; I don’t want to spend- not a single, deadly minute grieving over self-inflicted pessimism’s. I’m happiest when my day is busy and productive. When i can get home at night so exhausted that the second my head hits the pillow I fall asleep. Unable to think.
Its okay to feel a little detached…a little confused, a little conflicted, a little scared. You thought this guy was the one. You built yourself around him. You grew with him. You allowed yourself to become a different person for him. Its okay to admit it’s killing you inside.
But don’t go around blaming yourself for deciding that this was the best choice for you. It doesn’t make you selfish to think about yourself for a minute. Especially when you were the one investing your heart and soul into something that he seemed so impassive about. Yeah you guys had good times and there were even days where it felt like the relationship was going somewhere. But if you ever, more than once, had to step back and ask yourself if the gain was worth the pain, then you should have already known that it wasn’t going to work. When you have to force yourself to see the good in things, then it takes away from the genuineness of your decision.
Remember: break ups aren’t always a sole decision. It takes two to make it work. It takes balance: Communication, commitment, intimacy, friendship, respect, trust. They’re like rules and when you break them, it throws off the whole equilibrium of things. That’s not always the case though. Sometimes people just grow apart and that’s okay too. Why stress over something that’s out of your power? Look, I know you don’t want to think about it: the thought of being with someone who isn’t him or him being with someone who isn’t you. It’s painful. Because you love him and you’re terrified to harm him. But I hope you also love yourself enough to make the right decision because I see you hurting too.
I can’t promise that things will get better after you guys break up. For some people, for a set amount of time, it gets worse. It’s like putting your life on reset. It’s a change of routine. A change of pace. A change of self. You’re used to seeing this person every day, or every few days and now there’s a chance that you might never see him again. It’s like Jenga: He’s that one little piece that you’re going to extract from your life that’s going to send the whole structure scattering. You’re going to have to work your way from the bottom back up. It’s going to be intimidating. It’s going to be difficult. It’s going to be emotional. And some days, it’s going to get lonely to the point where no other person in the world can say the things you need to hear.
But you have to give yourself the time to heal-to regrow. It’s a natural habit of the human body. No physical lesion heals overnight. Your body needs time to take its natural course. Breakups are a period of spiritual regeneration. Every day that passes it gets easier and easier. Your emotions become less chaotic. Your thoughts become less precarious. You become more in tuned with your own needs and desires. There are going to be nights where you sit up thinking of the could of beens and the should have beens. It’s okay to do that too, because that’s normal.But don’t stray in dark places for too long. You’ve still got a life to live.
A famous diva once said: good things fall apart so better things can fall together. You’ll get through this. You’re resilient and don’t ever think that you aren’t or that you don’t have it in you. Because you do. You’re a beautiful, intelligent, and assiduous woman full of life and love. Any man out there would be lucky to have you. Maybe he never saw it. But I see it. I just wish you’d see it too. I love you, I care for you and all I have left to say is that you deserve the world. Moreso, you deserve someone who wants to give it to you.
I can still feel it there you know.
Time and time again I still wince at each jagged edge as it pierces
Deeper Deeper Deeper
Into my back.
Though he muscles,
Through the severed nerves and spasms.
Replaying that moment
Ceased to exist.
Where crimson filled veins were hence extinguished by ice.
Replaying that moment
Where love became a thing
And it was then that wrath seduced me.
To have each gold plume plucked from my back
because you simply please to do so.
To be glorified
in ways that others would envy.
Only to be shunned-
locked away somewhere in a barren and windowless room
until you are again,
in need of my veneration.
I always promise myself that I will flee when you return-
Promise myself that I will hurt you
in all the ways
that you have hurt me,
but when you do,
I right away, retract-
I go to you like a moth drawn to some loud, seductive glow.
Because I crave for human affection
Like an infant.
The way you crave it,
The way I give it to you
willingly, desperately, pathetically
and the way you give it
Only when my plead for such affections
Of Gizmos and Gadgets and such and such
Some Shoes i was in lieu of finishing before Gizmo blessed them with piss! (╥﹏╥)